Introversion

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3Uos2fzIJ0

This really sticks with me.

Your well-being is in the hands of the person you are sitting across from.

This is how I came to be the way I am.

In situations like this, in school as a child, I remember thinking things like "the only way any of us can come out with anything is to pick the one that benefits us both".  And I remember getting BURNED.  And I remember hearing kids talk: if you choose the one that benefits both, you only end up with 25% at best, if you take it all you average 50%.

I remember writing in my journal at 8 years old that I was going to have to grow up to be self-reliant.

I remember sickly gut-feelings whenever I was assigned to have any interaction with kids where my well-being, no matter how big or small, would be placed in their hands.

Of course, I've refused, all this time, to accept that I should simply steal from others (in any way, shape, or form).  So my only option - ever - has been to retreat inward.

Driving around town - people who drive in the left lane and try to sneak in front of a line of cars because they're too impatient to wait... they're delaying EVERYONE they cut in front of.  They're putting themselves as more important than everyone else.

Interactions with people on a daily basis, no matter how big or small, situations can arise where there is accidental interaction - which - I do not want to burden other people.  Unfortunately, other people are more than willing to burden me, because either they don't know how avoid burdening me or they just don't give a fuck.

When I played Baseball in HS, we had tryouts for the Freshman team, when I made the team, I was approached by 4 of the kids who also made the team.  I was told, under no uncertain terms, that I should NOT have made the team, that I was shit, that their friend so-and-so should have made the team.  I spent the entire season in complete agony.  I also bat .386 and hit the only 2 home runs on the team (both against our cross-town rival - one of them on the Varsity baseball field).   I started off batting 5th in the line-up, I eventually was moved to 1st, 2nd and 3rd in order.

Kids would hide my baseball gear before games.  Harass me in the locker room.  Harass me on the field...

Yeah, this treatment is going to make me want to interact with people on a regular basis.

I quit all sports after freshman year.  I was set to be the starting Goalie on the varsity soccer team in my sophmore year.  I didn't care.

I would go to Advanced Algebra classes and be harassed at EVERY opportunity by the psychopath that sat in front of me.  I can't imagine, can't even make up the completely PSYCHOPATHIC bullshit he would spew.  In fact, it got so bad that I went to my school counselor... I ended crying in her office for 15 minutes...

Fuck people.