Mental Paradox

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
and
I want to live.

Holding paradox in your mind for 20 years is taxing.  Sometimes my thoughts drift from one side of the coin to the other... back and forth...  Of course, living in this world requires a certain amount of participation, I'm starting to wonder how much longer I can keep faking my way through it all before it finally comes crashing down.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJ-2J0b1uS0

I don't think I need to discuss this very far, at the same time, I think the implosion of my mind is steadily increasing in speed, I can't see this lasting another... 40 years.

Psychological states of mind are relative.  We hold them against a floating standard of what is "normal".

I could easily argue that what we view as being socially acceptable is bat-shit crazy, or at least moderately delusional.

Which can make any deviant perspective seem like a reasonable stance.

Which completely destroys the field of Psychology.  Suddenly people who once needed to be fixed, no longer need it.

How reasonable is it to ask a person, who suddenly finds themselves in society of people who are stuck at a mental maturity of age 4, to "(When in Rome,) do as the Romans do"?  Not very.

It seems the human mind is (usually) wired to naturally accept whatever paradigm it is brought up in - yet - I have memories as young as age 4 that have drastically shaped who I am, a person deviant from the society he has grown up in.

I suppose the fault is mine for listening to philosophies at age 4 that were greater than the philosophies of the current society.  I didn't realize that adults didn't even analyze to the degree I did as a child.

My deviant state of mind isn't wrong because I hold a different philosophy than the normal person.  To me, anyone who, without question, removes the idea of suicide from the table, has by default condemned themselves to slavery.  What society/world WOULDN'T these people live in?

This is also damning for the argument of free will; we've evolved from sludge to value our own life.  To NOT have a choice in whether we live or die results in the defacto stance of NO FREE WILL - that's just how human beings are programmed.

Just because I'll keep more options on the table than the average person, does not lead to the logical conclusion that there is something wrong with me.  To make this argument is absurd.  I am not depressed, I am not sad.  I'm a happy person who enjoys innocent, light-hearted laughs.  It's this world I hate, and I recognize that I cannot change the world.  At the same time, I recognize that I do not have any desire to change myself - thus, the paradox.

"There will never be a reason why I will surrender to your advice
To change myself, I'd rather die 
You'll never take me alive"